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| Does Physical Attraction Matter? | ||
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January 26, 2008
A few weeks ago my editor here at 4 Marks asked me to "write about the role physical attraction plays in choosing a spouse." At first it seemed like a fun break from writing more serious articles. Then it hit me -- my readers seem to be deeply religious people who would expect me to say that looks don't matter. They would expect me to say things like "it's what's inside that counts". But, I can't do that. The truth is, men prefer pretty women.
Humans are drawn to beauty. We seek beauty in nature, art and pretty much everything else; that is just how God made us. Many of the saints have said that man's desire for beauty is a reflection of our higher nature that seeks God, as the creation is a reflection of its creator. To get back down to earth though, no man has ever gazed at a woman across a crowded room and exclaimed, "Wow, she has a great personality!"
Researchers have found that babies respond more positively to attractive people (Langlois et al., 1987). Babies haven't been enculturated to learn what our popular culture considers attractive, but they still respond to beauty. Folk takes show us that long before television and magazines began to shape our social consciousness, beautiful women were associated with goodness and other positive attributes, while the villains were ugly old witches. Even the Bible tells the story of Esther, the beautiful Hebrew woman who was so desired by the King of Persia, that she was able to save her people solely on the merits of her physical attractiveness.
A recent study found that physical beauty is the highest priority for men in choosing a mate (Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences by Peter Todd, of Indiana University, Lars Penke, of Humboldt University, Berlin, Barbara Fasolo, of the London School of Economics, and Alison Lenton, of the University of Edinburgh - 2007). Before you women reply with the typical "Lifetime Television" response condemning men as being shallow, consider this: the same study found that women placed physical attraction second only to how much money a man has. The pursuit of money would hardly seem to be a nobler goal than the pursuit of beauty!
That study sheds light on the whole "trophy wife" phenomenon. A woman who is pretty enough to have any man she wants seeks the richest guy she can find, and a man who is rich enough to have any woman he wants seeks the prettiest woman he can find. Donald Trump leaves Ivana for Marla (and so on and so on) and Anna Nicole Smith married a rich old geezer. They all seem to be rather shallow people. They all got what they wanted. Both sexes are equally superficial...or driven by basal/preservation instinct.
Beautiful women have more romantic options and opportunities. However, in my opinion, only about 5% of the population falls into the truly beautiful category. In some geographical regions this percentage may be higher; Italy has a surplus of beautiful women, as does Cuba and the American south - but, these regions also have the best food and, as obesity is not considered attractive by most men, it all balances out in the end. So, 95% of the population is not beautiful, but about 90% of folks get married. Most women are average in appearance and most women find mates; how is that?
My mother is a psychologist and she notices a lot of things about people that I usually miss. Not long ago, she commented, "Have you noticed how almost all of the couples on the E-Harmony commercials look alike? They look as though they could be related." This led her to conclude that many people are attracted to mates who look similar to themselves. This might explain why, even though I am most attracted to dark haired, olive skinned women, I usually end up with tall, pale, willowy blondes. I'm 6'4", with fair hair and complexion. I certainly don't seek these women out, but maybe they seek me out.
Here is a useful tip for average looking women: if you see a guy to whom you are attracted, go up to him and say hello. Men are not usually as socially adept as women. However, we are always expected to make the first move. Very few of us are comfortable approaching a woman and starting a conversation. Heck, most of us can barely talk with each other with any level of comfort! Just go up to the guy and start talking and flirting and doing what comes naturally to women. Don't stand there, waiting for him to make the first move. Even if you are not the most attractive woman in the room, you will be in his eyes.
I would also suggest that most people of both genders have a less than realistic opinion of their own looks. Most above average looking guys think that beautiful women are out of their league. They will choose a more average looking woman for fear of rejection or because they doubt they are attractive enough to cause a beautiful woman to fall in love with them and remain faithful.
Then, there is desperation. Many people get together motivated mainly by a desire not to be alone. A friend of mine recently married one of the most unpleasant women I've ever met mainly because he wanted to get married before he turned 40.
In the immortal words of Mickey Gilley, from "The Girls All Get Prettier at Closing Time":
I don't mean to criticize the girls at all / 'cause I'm no Robert Redford, even overhauled / But we all picture in our minds a girl that looks just right / Ain't it funny, ain't it strange / The way a man's opinion changes / When he starts to face that lonely night.
Another point needs to be examined. A recent study by Martin Fieder and Susanne Huber, of the University of Vienna found that men are most desirous of women younger than themselves, while women prefer older men. That makes sense considering that younger women tend to be more attractive (as proven dramatically at any high school reunion) and older men have had more time to make money. Historically, this has been the trend that humanity has followed, regardless of culture. It was only in the 1950s, when advertisers began to market products to specific generations and the teenager became a pop-culture phenomenon, that the natural desire of age difference in a romantic relationship began to fade - older men marrying younger women began to be seen as old fashioned, backward and less than ideal. I'm not going to say that age disparity is preferable. However, anyone can see that divorce rates skyrocketed from that point on.
I'm reminded of Ray and Rosa Hicks. Ray was a famous storyteller from the mountains of North Carolina, and a good friend of mine. Ray was 27 and Rosa was 14 when they married. They remained deeply in love throughout their marriage, raised several children, and Rosa was at Ray's side when he died at the age of 81. Their lives were very tough and Ray was a hard man to live with, but they stuck it out and their marriage survived - they remained attracted to each other and even jealous of one another to the end. You can read about Ray and Rosa in a book entitled The Last Chivaree. Now days, such relationships are not accepted. A man of 27 who was in love with a 14 year old girl would be branded a pedophile and arrested. Maybe things have changed for the better, but I would be hard pressed to find any evidence of it in our society.
One last aspect of this whole physical attraction thing, that I feel should be addressed, is society's concept of beauty. Over the past few decades the women who have been held up as the ideal of beauty in our culture are pencil thin, flat chested waifs. Frankly, I think the only people who think the ideal woman should look like a boy are the homosexuals who dominate the fashion and entertainment industries. Androgyny is not a quality to which one should aspire. This is unhealthy and just plain wrong. Arguably, the two most beautiful women America has ever produced were Marilyn Monroe and Ava Gardner. Those gorgeous creatures would be considered fat by today's standards and not even allowed in the entertainment industry. Here is a newsflash for the promoters of pop-culture: Men like breasts, and hips and curves! Anyone who thinks Angelina Jolie is more attractive in her current anorexic state than she was 10 years ago is sick. Paris Hilton is disgusting. Anyone who promotes such misguided images of beauty should be tarred, feathered and pushed off the left coast!
In the long run, of course, it is what's inside that counts. But beauty matters, big time!
Sure attractiveness counts. I agree with the author when he said ,"...no man has ever gazed across a crowded room and exclaimed, 'Wow, she has a great personality!'
That having been said, I met the lady who was to become my wife when I was 17 and she was 16. Sure, I thought she was beautiful. Physical beauty is what you see first. You can't help but be swayed by it. But, outward beauty is only skin deep and my future wife's beauty, I was soon to find out, was way deeper than her skin. That is the hook that got me and made me want to be with her. Now, 19 years later, she still is beautiful physically to me. And I still enjoy, to some degree, when I know that a man feels my wife is attractive, but that is my and my counterparts superficiality coming through. Of course, my wife will argue that she doesn't feel as beautiful as she once did. She may not have the smoothness on her face and body that first attracted me, but each of the changes around her eyes are other parts of her body are still beautiful to me. These changes signify the changes and experiences that have made our lives together so much richer. The inner beauty that was there at the beginning, I had to experience before I knew it was there. It has continued to grow over the years and is different from the physical beauty that captured me as it captures all of us at some point. That inner beauty is what I am in awe of more and more as each day passes.
That inner beauty that did not take me long to become aware of continues to grow as the form of outer beauty that the media seems to tout declines. The media, in a large part, is so biased about what physical beauty is. Older women have a wealth of beauty that is overlooked because we as men can be superficial. As I've gotten older, I've realized how 40 and 50 year old women are just as beautiful physically to me as 20-year-olds used to be.
Sure, attractiveness counts; but there is so much more.
Submitted by jzkgalxe on Sat, 01/26/2008 - 8:04pm.
Jud,
Thanks for an article that presents the unvarnished truth of the importance of physical attraction. We are rational animals and when it comes to procreation - the normal drive behind the attraction - we have to honestly acknowledge the power of the animal in us. The later discerning of the deeper person is when our rational nature informs us to make judgements about a long term social relationship with our potential mate. So many of the problems with sex in our society (and in our Church) are the result of our failure to come to grips with the truth of what motivates our behavior.
Submitted by onesimus59 on Sun, 01/27/2008 - 6:14am.
"...just walk up there and start talking and flirting and whatever it is you girls do..." That would have to be ranked up there as about No. 1 on the list of "Advice I never expected to see on a Catholic website."
I do agree men typically don't have the social skills that women do, but "flirting?" What happened to start and have an interesting conversation that looks for mutual interests and interesting opinions? Where in the world but sex does flirting lead?!
Submitted by RWW on Sun, 01/27/2008 - 11:35am.
Excuse me! But it leads to marriage. The idea that a flirtation — the showing of romantic interest in a man by a women is only about getting into bed, is so demeaning. Ask the married women you know if they ever flirted with their husbands.
And BTW, flirtation after marriage — as long as it with the husband ! --is good too. And hopefully then it does lead to sex. LOL.
Submitted by mkochan on Sun, 01/27/2008 - 12:21pm.
Anyone wants to take a gues as to whether Jesus was attractive?
I found the answer in an article here: Jesus Christ was Physically Attractive
Submitted by jamespereira on Sun, 01/27/2008 - 4:09pm.
It's a generalization of course to say that men prefer pretty women. And not wholly accurate.Are men often drawn to pretty women? Yes. But just as often, men are drawn to the flashy, the gaudy, the obvious, often times the ugly but somehow animalistically atractive. But why do we care? Shouldn't women care about how they feel about themselves, and realize that men's attention often wanes? Human beings are often drawn to the interesting, how do we define 'beauty?' This is already a tedious article when the author is saying no man notices a woman's personality across the room. Really? Speak for yourself. I know lots of beautiful women that men can't even see their personality, as they move on to less flashy women.
Beautiful people, not just women, are often associated with vanity, selfishness, and everything not good - fairly or not.
I am still looking for the connection to a Catholic thought - not one yet...
Catholic Exchange, why did you publish this? It's an assault on our intelligence. It's boorish beyond belief. It gives no insight. Yuck. I believe most people are beautiful, they need love and confidence. Mother Teresa is beautiful - she shines within. People are drawn to her. This is a depressing article, because the author writes like an 8th grade boy. Not all men are like that. The examples given are shallow and sad.
A better question would be - if we are made to the image and likeness of God, why and how are we so different? How do we make a commitment to a person less than perfect, but actually a lot like us?
Flirting with a stranger is wrong, and dangerous.
The other posters' comments are no better. Do you realize you are actually talking about the sin of concuspience (forgive spelling for the moment) and not just innocent attraction? Only in our society, where we have severed so many bonds, do we begin to trade in people for the purposes of satisfying our fleshly desires.
It's depressing to come to a Catholic site, looking for some real insight, and basically get a bunch of men thinking this is a men's adult site, where they can once again possess beauty by talking about it.
Submitted by deirdrew on Sun, 01/27/2008 - 10:53pm.
Any man, at whatever year in our society and world, who abuses the trust of a young girl who cannot fully make her own decisions, IS a pedophile and pervert. Catholic Exchange, seriously, do you have any sense at all?
Submitted by deirdrew on Sun, 01/27/2008 - 11:01pm.
I'm sorry, I cannot agree with deirdrew's negativism. It may not have been the most profound article on the subject, but it does represent a wholesome, fun discussion of a fun and intriguing topic, and one in which the author seemed to indicate the reader's ability to disagree.
I took the discussion in the spirit of other mature articles on the topic I have read over the years, and in the spirit of Bishop Sheen, who once described God's intention of creating the complementarity of the sexes (whoops, did I say a bad word?) as, "the woman introduces the man to the pleasure of loving, and the man introduces the woman to the love of pleasure." But to say that, you would have to think that love and pleasure can go together, and that God is not ashamed of that.
Look, I think you have to look into everything God made for His purpose and intentions, for what it says about Him, and what it says about us, and enjoy it for what it is (on His terms, of course). Everything is not corrupt, in fact, human love and attraction is a wholesome thing, and part of a holy thing. When the world gets itself into a fix over some sin, as we have over sex, it is important to revisit the elements of it to rediscover this wholesome understanding and a refreshed approach, as has John Paul II in providing his studies and meditations on the Theology of the Body. I reject the notion that we can never feel comfortable talking about it. What God has done in creating our bodies is every bit as profound as what He has done in creating our souls and spirits, and can speak truths just as eloquently as the law of the Spirit. That shows the completeness of God as a Creator, and the simplicity of God, and His view of Man as a unity. But you don't have to talk profoundly about it to get it. That's part of the beauty of it. You can talk simply about it, and even humorously about it, and enjoy the truth of it. In the end, the comfort that the beauty of creation brings us only foretells the comfort and infinite joy His Own Beauty will give us for all eternity.
Submitted by qhrpfu on Mon, 01/28/2008 - 12:51am.
As a Catholic woman married for 15 years to a husband who is very loving and supports me no matter what changes I go through being pregnant etc....I have to say that women are a bit sensitive being talked about physically period. We have all been either made fun of publically, privately whatever, and/or lusted after/hit on by strangers, family, whoever. Our body parts have been fair game for many men to discuss, good or bad...and I just want to say...it hurts and gets very OLD. I do understand sexuality needs to be discussed respectfully.
It's just, for women, reading this, we automatically think...right...I have never looked like Marilyn (well maybe this part, but not this part) and never will...I don't measure up...BECAUSE WE have been so beat up. But God made me and loves me the way I am. Women try to see ourselves from God's perspective, but it is a challenge in our society. Too fat, to skinny, too this, too that.
And if you sacrifice yourself for the children God has given you using NFP ~ not getting "fixed" ~ and you don't just bounce back like some women, society can be very cruel. They don't understand sacrifice at all.
Anyway, please just take into consideration women's feelings of being "discussed" when you have your discussions of beauty. Be kind, always.
Submitted by Elizabeth B. on Thu, 02/21/2008 - 10:45am.
I don't think this article did a very good job of treating the topic.
Submitted by Protect the Rock on Thu, 02/21/2008 - 1:16pm.
I found this article tremendously shallow and demeaning as a woman. As far as I am concerned, any man who thinks he can do better in life by marrying a Barbie doll can go right ahead and do so.
Submitted by Perelandra29 on Thu, 03/27/2008 - 6:41am.
This article is disappointing. Especially the part about a woman starting to talk to a man. I am raising my girls to have higher standards and not call or chase a man. My girls also expect a man to open doors for them, pull out their chair, etc., etc. We have been to quite a few Catholic retreats for teens and that is what they are trying to promote. RESPECT!! In the same breath, they are teaching girls to respect themselves by not showing off their bodies and dressing modestly and to promote the beauty within. Like I said, this article is very disappointing.
Submitted by cherylemiller on Sat, 03/29/2008 - 3:17pm.
Love talking about beautiful women. There is something very comforting in the whole notion of beauty as expressed in the womanly form. But I think it can be said that there are two beauties, and I don't mean Marilyn and Ava. Men want to see both beauties, the physical expression of love that womanly beauty represents, and the beauty of truth in a woman's eye, and self-appreciation, and in her character. He looks for physical beauty to reassure himself that he himself is lovable, and he looks for the beauty of truth to tell him that his love and devotion will be accepted. I also think that your family life gives you a context in which to value and understand beauty. This world wants you to look for beauty for beauty's sake, by which you miss the mark every time, in my opinion, if that is your sole criteria. The inner beauty informs the outer, and makes it tolerable, and even overcomes it, I would say, when choosing a mate. That is what men really seek, although not necessarily what they find. Patience is a virtue.